Up in Smoke…

Some of you know, most of you don’t, that for the past 6 years I have smoked cigarettes almost every day of my life, with the exception of one three month period. Recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that habit, and how it’s probably not the best thing to be doing… Today, I’ve decided that I’m going to start on the road to quitting. I know it will be a long one, and a hard one, but I’d given myself to the end of this month to start trying to quit.

Today, I smoked what will hopefully be my last cigarette. Those words strike a little bit a fear in my heart for a number of reasons, most of which are just as ridiculous as the next. I guess my main worry it getting fat again, anyone who knew me in High School or Junior High knows I’ve dropped about 50 lbs since then, and I don’t want to go back to being “the fat kid”. I’ve worked hard to stay slim, and I know that when people quit smoking as a rule, they gain a little weight. So I’m going to fight that by watching what I eat a little better and by trying go to the gym a little more often.

Most all of you know that I’ve been battling some serious health issue for the past few years, and they’ve become even more serious in the last months. I’ve been praying for God’s healing in my life since all of this started and honestly most of my issues have done nothing but get worse. I kept asking “why”… I know all God has to do is say the word and I am healed… So I kept asking why isn’t God doing anything for me. After examining most areas of my life I came to the conclusion that I must being doing something that is limiting God. In fact, I was talking last night with Shala and I said “All He has to do is point and click, WHY isn’t He helping me”, to which Shala responded “Maybe something that is the boss of your life is keeping Him from being able to”… The only thing I can see as having any control over my life, or at least enough to limit God, is smoking. So maybe, if I quit I can open the door for God’s healing.

In the Word people had to do all kinds of strange things to be healed, from bathing in rivers a certain number of times, to touching clothes, to having spit and dirt rubbed over their eyes. Maybe this is my way of reaching out and grabbing His hem, maybe this is the spit in my eyes ? I can only hope.

So, if you’re reading this pray for me. It’s going to be hard, for one, smoking as a way I pass the time when I’m bored, and is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from murdering those around me… My boss smokes too, and we have a habit of taking long breaks together, and I’ll miss that. I also just plain like smoking. There’s something strangely romantic and classical about it, and I’ll miss that too… I told myself I had my last cigarette today, unfortunately I have a little fear that that statement will hold true, but I am going to try… it’s all I can do.