Forty Days and Thirty-Nine Nights…

Since my last cigarette and still no violent crimes!

I do dream about smoking fairly often, I dream that I have forgetten that I’ve quit and I catch myself smoking… It’s a weird dream, and it’s almost exactly the same every time I have it. It actually stegthens my resolve to keep up with this quitting thing because of how bad I feel about myself when I’m smoking in the dream…

So far I haven’t turned into a complete fat ass, although I have gained 5-10 lbs depending on the day. My wieght tends to flucuate (sp) anyway, so legistically it’s probably more like 3-7 lbs… Which is minimal compared to the last time I tried to quit.

So, I’m happy to report that after forty days my car finally, almost, does not reek of stale smoke… for the first time in over 6 years!

… And My Heart is the Same.

… And My Heart is the Same

 

My neck hurts

And my heart is the same

The ones at the top,
They think it’s a shame

But they don’t think enough

To make a change.

 

I miss the smiles,

And the tears

And calming irrational fears

 

I miss the chaos

And the accomplishment

And feeling like I was sent

 

I miss belonging,

And telling stories about Him

And praying with all of them.

 

I miss the jingle of my keys

And the bugs

And the hugs

 

I miss the little yellow bus

And the feel of the sun on my face

I miss that place

 

I hate learning things,

I only like to know them

One day, it’ll be over

One day I’ll be done

 

Until then…

Lets hope the tie never gets too tight

Lets hope it doesn’t choke out the life that’s left

Lets hope the child is never forced out

Lets hope the tie never gets… too tight

 

My neck hurts,

and heart is the same

One Thing Leads to Another

List of unexpected funds Daniel has to raise in one month

 

1. $800.00: For a CAT Scan of abdomen and pelvis (I don’t have health coverage)

2. $171.00: For a speeding ticket (mail-in fee included)

3. $300.00-$600.00: For repairs to my car. Some electrical component (EGR sensor) has gone bad, and will apparently cause my engine to be overworked and subsequently blow if it’s not repaired.

4. $185.00: For a Dr.’s visit later this month (urologist)

5. $200.00-$500.00: For Dr’s visit later this month (gastro)

6. $10.00-$20.00: I’d like to buy my brother something for his birthday.

 

Total funds Daniel MUST raise by July 28, 2008:

$1666.00-$2276.00

 

List of Daniel’s normal monthly expenses.

 

1. $580.00: Conservative average fuel cost per month (figured traveling an average of 600 miles a week [100 a day for the work week and approx 100 for all other driving] with gas priced at $3.50/gallon)

2. $489.00: Car Payment (tried to sell it, owe to much, and it’s broken at the moment)

3. $180.00: Food

4. $25.00: Gym Membership (cancelling as soon as time on contract is up)

5. $160.00: Credit Card Bills (Visa, Sears)

6. $43.00: Auto Insurance

 

Total Monthly Expenses:

$1477.00

 

 

Pay Daniel Receives from The Salvation Army:

A. Approximately 27 hours a week (no more than 29) at $12.00= $1296.00 before taxes.

B. Average bi-weekly pay check (take-home pay): $563.00= 1126.00/month (figured using check stubs)

C. Lowest Paycheck Received: $361.00 (current, small because of time off due to illness); Highest Paycheck Received: 587.00

 

$1126.00: Per Month Wages From TSA (only stable source of income): $1126.00

$1477.00: Total Monthly Expenses:

$1971.00 Average amount of extra funds needed by July 28:

$351.00: Average cash amount deficient monthly

 

$2322.00: Total Amount Needed by July 28 minus average monthly income. (Average of extra funds listed above + amount deficient monthly)

 

It is unlikely that the dollar amount I need will be that small, I expect it to be around $75, if not more than that, above what I have averaged. I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to come up with this extra money only that it has to be done. I can’t wait any longer on the CAT Scan, I’m sick. I can’t wait any longer on the car repairs because if the engine goes I can’t get to work, or anywhere else for that matter AND I have to keep making monthly payment on the car. Not to mention my check this pay period will be half of the average due to missing a week of work (which is why I need the CAT Scan, this has been going on for three years, but recently it’s become almost unbearable).

 

In short; I need a miracle. Pray for me Folks! Not only I am still not feeling well but I have to come up with a way to make some SERIOUS extra cash in 32 days.

Days Seven: Lights and Sirens

In 2 hours and 53 minutes it will be 7 days since I smoked my last cigarette, and really, apart from eating everything in site, I’ve been ok with this quitting thing… At least mentally. Physically though, I’ve had some issues, stomach pain, sleeplessness blah blah blah… normal nicotine withdraws.

Today though, I STILL want a cigarette probably worse than I ever have in my whole life, because of an event that happened this morning.

I’m driving along on my way to work, actually running eerily for a change, so I’m taking my time. As I’m merging onto the I-235 from I-40 though, I’m stuck behind this car that is doing about 20 mph on the on ramp. Most of you know that the on ramp is designed to give you enough to get your speed up before you merge onto a highway full of cars all  driving 70 mph. So, as soon as we hit the three way I punch it and go around her at about 60 mph. Once I’m in front of her I accelerate to the speed limit, which I know to be 65. At this point I am cool and calm, I set my cruise and start singing along with the some song on K-love (yeh I know, make fun of me later), when I look in my rear view mirror and see a motorcycle cop with his lights on. I immediately move to the other lane thinking he must be after the car in front of me (which has to be doing at least 70 mph judging by how fast they passed me), but to my surprise as I change lanes so does he! So, I wait until I can find a safe spot and pull off to the side of the road, Smokey the bear pulls in behind me. He comes to the window, “Good morning officer” I say, in my most innocent sounding voice, but before I can even get that out he’s almost yelling “Do you not know you’re in a construction zone and the speed limit is 55, do you know how fast you were going?” I told him that I didn’t know exactly how fast I was going because I had set my cruise about a mile back but that I was probably going around 65, I also told him I didn’t think the construction zone started for about another mile, he told me that they moved the perimeter of the zone almost daily. That statement made me wonder whether or not they do that just so they can catch “speeders” who don’t think they are speeding. Back to the conversation with Smokey, “Drivers license” he says I couldn’t hear him so I said, “Huh?” and he said “DON’T YOU HAVE A DRIVERS LISCENCE!”… After understanding what Smokey wanted I gave him my license, and waited for him to do the customary walk to the car/bike and speak into the radio, then write on his little pad of doom. All the time I’m praying for a warning, but knowing that this jerk is not going to give me one. Smokey has to make is quota.

He walked back up to the car and handed me the ticket, and a pamphlet full of information about how to pay my ticket, and how much it was going to be. Smokey then tells me that he didn’t write the ticket for speeding in a construction zone (which doubles the fine). He told me that like I should have thanked him (and I did, cause he has a gun) but really it just pissed me off even more. I mean, if the guy really wanted to help me out he wouldn’t have written the ticket in the first place.

The fact is I honestly didn’t know I was speeding, since I started working in the city 6 months ago the construction zone has started within 500 yards of the same place, and today, it’s two miles sooner? So, no I have to pay the state of Oklahoma $161, when two weeks ago I couldn’t buy my medicine that was $180, I’m not exactly sure where this money is going to come from, but I’m hoping it does…

Daniel is not happy!

J

 

Day Four.

Well, I still don’t feel any better really, but, I haven’t had a cigarette in about 96 and a half hours, so I officially hit the four day mark about half an hour ago.

I even went to Friday’s for lunch today. I used to go there all the time because they had a bar you could smoke it… Today I sat in the bar, and made it all the way through lunch, watching other people smoke, without commiting any kind of violent crime.

It is my hope that I do see some improvement in my health due to my new-found resolve to not poison my body. I still haven’t decided wether or not I’m going to keep quitting if it doesn’t make me feel any better… I guess time will tell…

Later guys!

Day One

I’ve decided that I’m giving this until Sunday, and if I don’t feel any better by then, then I quit quitting ..

Appart from that no news to report… Haven’t murdered anyone yet, although traffic at lunch seemed to a little more upsetting than normal… I had the strongest urge to ram the car in front of me, lucky for both of us, it passed

Up in Smoke…

Some of you know, most of you don’t, that for the past 6 years I have smoked cigarettes almost every day of my life, with the exception of one three month period. Recently I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about that habit, and how it’s probably not the best thing to be doing… Today, I’ve decided that I’m going to start on the road to quitting. I know it will be a long one, and a hard one, but I’d given myself to the end of this month to start trying to quit.

Today, I smoked what will hopefully be my last cigarette. Those words strike a little bit a fear in my heart for a number of reasons, most of which are just as ridiculous as the next. I guess my main worry it getting fat again, anyone who knew me in High School or Junior High knows I’ve dropped about 50 lbs since then, and I don’t want to go back to being “the fat kid”. I’ve worked hard to stay slim, and I know that when people quit smoking as a rule, they gain a little weight. So I’m going to fight that by watching what I eat a little better and by trying go to the gym a little more often.

Most all of you know that I’ve been battling some serious health issue for the past few years, and they’ve become even more serious in the last months. I’ve been praying for God’s healing in my life since all of this started and honestly most of my issues have done nothing but get worse. I kept asking “why”… I know all God has to do is say the word and I am healed… So I kept asking why isn’t God doing anything for me. After examining most areas of my life I came to the conclusion that I must being doing something that is limiting God. In fact, I was talking last night with Shala and I said “All He has to do is point and click, WHY isn’t He helping me”, to which Shala responded “Maybe something that is the boss of your life is keeping Him from being able to”… The only thing I can see as having any control over my life, or at least enough to limit God, is smoking. So maybe, if I quit I can open the door for God’s healing.

In the Word people had to do all kinds of strange things to be healed, from bathing in rivers a certain number of times, to touching clothes, to having spit and dirt rubbed over their eyes. Maybe this is my way of reaching out and grabbing His hem, maybe this is the spit in my eyes ? I can only hope.

So, if you’re reading this pray for me. It’s going to be hard, for one, smoking as a way I pass the time when I’m bored, and is sometimes the only thing that keeps me from murdering those around me… My boss smokes too, and we have a habit of taking long breaks together, and I’ll miss that. I also just plain like smoking. There’s something strangely romantic and classical about it, and I’ll miss that too… I told myself I had my last cigarette today, unfortunately I have a little fear that that statement will hold true, but I am going to try… it’s all I can do.

 

 

I Want My Money Back!

 

This last weekend Shala came down to Shawnee to hang out, and we decided to go up to Oklahoma City Saturday to look for cameras. She’s looking to buy a camera, and I’m constantly dreaming of one J Anyway, we went to Best Buy and then to the mall because she needed to go to Macy’s, and I use the word needed here very loosely… So, after we spent AN HOUR in Macy’s we decided we needed to find food.

 

When I’m in the City I don’t like to restaurants we have in Shawnee. I like to go to different places, so I headed out on N.W. Expressway and decided I’d drive on down to “Joe’s Crab Shack” which used to be one of my favorite places to eat. Pulling into the parking lot a was a little surprised that at 9:00 on a Saturday night the parking lot wasn’t jam packed full of cars, like every other Restaurant on the Expressway, but decided to go on in thinking maybe they just closed a little earlier or something.

 

We got in, and got a table (there were only like 5 other groups of people in the place but for some reason they sat us in the bar) and ordered. Shala and I decided on this “Bucket-O-Food” that was big enough for two people (at least that’s what the menu said, and at $40 you’d expect it to be). It was one of those seafood boil things where they have the corn and potatoes, sausage, crab, and shrimp… Sounds delicious right? Not exactly. First off it took an extremely long time for the food to even get there, and when it did most of it (except the potatoes, which will be discussed in detail soon) was cold by the time it arrived. The shrimp were floating in a puddle of brown liquid at the bottom of the bucket, and the sausage was greasy and almost too cold to eat. The corn was good, as were the crab legs, but the potatoes tasted like they had been micro waved, and not just a little. They were grainy and impossible to get on a fork, and once I did manage to scoop up enough of the “white sand” off my plate to get it in my mouth the taste made me wish I’d skipped the effort. They also seemed to have been heated to the temperature of the surface of the sun…

 

I sat and waited for more than ten minutes with an empty water glass, and waited just as long to tell someone we needed cocktail sauce and silverware, which were never brought out to us. The drink we ordered from the bar (we shared a pomegranate margarita, with POP ROCKS, which was probably the best part of the meal) I had to get up out of my seat and go get myself. Every time someone came to our table it was a different person than the last, and none of them introduced themselves to us. We didn’t know who to flag down to tell we were ready to go after we’d been sitting for a good long while staring at our empty bucket. At one point I looked right off a girl and waved, and she mouthed the words “sorry I’m off” to me… So, I spent fifty dollars for cold shrimp and sausage, nuked potatoes, and glasses of ice…

 

All things considered it was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had in a restaurant… There are only a few the top that in terms of measurable frustrating events. Sunday afternoon after church at “Cracker Barrel” was one of them, but that story will have to wait J

If This is You…

Things Daniel Taron wants in a girl/relationship

 

1. Daniel would like a girl who most people think is a little weird.

 Let me offer some explaination on this. I’m not looking for someone who is weird like the lady in the movie who kidnaps the actor and breaks his legs, just someone a little outside of the box.

2. Daniel would like a girl who is creative.

Creativity is something that’s pretty important to me. Not only that a person has a creative outlet, but that a person understands the creative process, or at least tries to. I think that most people, in one way or another, have to ability to be creative, but not everyone draws on that. So, I’m looking for someone who knows how to pull that out of themselves, or at least, is trying to learn.

3. Daniel would like a girl who likes to cook.

For some reason I’ve always been into cooking, so I would like someone who can share that with me, or at least can apriciate that cooking is something I like to do… In other words, maybe not a super picky eater…

4. Daniel would a girl who is intelligent

And preferably a good speller, so she can help me learn to spell. I’m not a super smart guy, but I do like to have a good conversation now and then, and that takes some brains…

5. Daniel would like a girls who likes to read.

I like to read, and I like to talk about the books I’ve read with other people

6. Daniel would like a girl who is interseted in having a family.

I’ve always been kind of a family oriented person, and I’d like to be with someone who want to have a family. I’ve worked with other people’s kids for 7 years, it might be nice to work with my own someday

7. Daniel would like a girl who understands giving.

I see myself as a pretty generous person, I’m going to need to be with someone who understand that so she doesn’t have a heart attack when I give away something big to someone who needs it

8. Daniel would like a girl who like to laugh.

Nine times out of ten the way I deal with a serious issue in my life is laughter. That’s not to say that I don’t face my issues, I feel like I do, but laughing is part of my healing process… Nothing is out of bonds with our family, we laugh at EVERYTHING…

9. Daniel would like a girl who is forgiving.

I see myself as a pretty forgiving person, and I’m looking for someone who had the same mind set… Not so that she can continually forgive me for the mistakes I make (although I’m sure that will ahve to happen to), just someone who has a generally forgiving nature. Someone who isn’t going to hold on to little things that people do to them, or even big ones. Not being forgiving leads to placing blame in a lot of wrong places… Bitterness doesn’t look good on anyone.

10. Daniel would like a girl with a genuine smile.

Believe it or not that can be hard to find. I don’t mean just a physical one, although that’s important to. I mean a smile on the inside, someone with a joyful attidude about life. Someone with a deep smile. A loving person, with a soft heart…

11. Daniel will not be with someone who doesn’t love Jesus.

This is is the most important one. Plain and simple. Doing the will of God for my life is the most important thing to me. It’s more important than any success I can enjoy on this planet. I have made, and will continue to make, what a lot of people think are crazy choices, because I’ve been trying to align myself with the God’s will.

 

This is as much for me as it is for anyone else… however, if this sounds like you, and you’re single, and you don’t think I’m crazy, let me know

I’m Trying Not to be All Woe is Me

Today I am painfully aware that something is missing from my life. God has done so much over the past 6 months, things I thought were impossible, but there is one thing that is still, seemingly, not any closer to happening. The fact is folks, that while I have a great job, a great relationship with God, and have just discovered amazing new family members, there is still one thing that is missing. I am a 24 year old single man.

 

Every relationship I’ve been in has taught me something about myself that I didn’t know before… So they’ve all been good, or at least had some good results in the end, but I’m getting to that point in life where I really want someone to share EVERYTHING with. God is doing all these exciting things in my life, and there’s no one to tell them about, at least no one who can feel their true impact. I want a partner in my life. I have two friends who are my age and not married, and those two friends are on opposite sides of the “great divide”. One of them is single, and has no intention of even looking for anyone, the other is single and so desperate to find some one sometimes it’s all this person can think about (I’m trying to be vague here so as not to reveal the secret identities of these peopleJ)… I’ve always considered myself somewhere between these two extremes. “I’d really like to have someone, but I’m doing ok alone”… That’s been my attitude in the past… but that is changing. It’s getting harder and harder, as I get older to be “alone”… I know that 24 isn’t that old, but it’s not even the age really, it’s just where I am in my life. I need someone to share my life with.

 

I’m a… different person, everyone knows that, and while I like that about myself most of the time, when I’m trying to find people who I might be compatible with, it tends to complicate things. I am a difficult person to be in a relationship with, I know that about myself, but, the same things that make me difficult are the things that have brought about 90% of the good stuff in my life too.

 

I didn’t date in high school, so I never really learned how to be in a relationship, which is one reason it’s hard to date me… The thing is, I don’t know how to even ask a girl out, or even what kind of girl I’d want to ask out. I guess I always just assumed God would do just put someone in my life, and it would all just “happen”… It isn’t happening J I’ve been praying a lot lately about this particular issue and I don’t seem to be getting anyplace at all. I feel like I am ready to be in a relationship, obviously God feels differently. Either that, or I’m just not doing what I need to be doing to get this thing moving…

 

I guess that’s my major point of confusion… Do I start taking matters into my own hands, and trying to meet people, or do I keep “waiting on God”… I’m not saying that I am thinking of not considering God’s will in a relationship, I’m just saying maybe I need to be more proactive in finding someone…

 

It probably doesn’t help that I don’t think I’m over the last person I dated… Anytime I think of being in a relationship anyone else, somehow I don’t think it can compare to the one I had with her. We didn’t date long, just one summer, but she did more than she’ll ever know in that summer… I don’t think she realized the depth of my feelings for her, because I wasn’t able to show them to her. That, of course, resulted in the end of the relationship, but I still can’t bring myself to let go if it… She was everything I wanted… everything I thought I needed.  

 

So, I’m sure this is as confusing to you as it is to me, but this is one of the times where I just had to write it all out…

 

The long and the short of I guess it this: I want to be with someone, and I don’t know how to get that. Any advice would be helpful J